The True Story of FMA
by Laffy50
Summary: In which Fullmetal Alchemist will never be the same. CRACK FIC
1. Intro

Intro

Laffy: All the credit for this chapter goes to Loki

Loki: I ain't write nothing, except everything.

KinBloodRed: JK, JK. I wrote this chapter...totally didn't steal it from Loki's laptop or anything.

Loki: She did. She's never read FMA before.

KinBloodRed: Shhhh! People trying to read!

Loki: Whatever, enjoy the story.

We don't own FMA. (But we wish we did)

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So I suppose all of you have heard of FullMetal Alchemist, right? I mean why would you even be here if you haven't? Do you not have a life?! Ahem, well anyways I'll give you a summary of it. It's about two boys who try to do what one should never do with alchemy and that's bring something back to life. Now I'll bet you think that's all sweet and innocent, right?

Well that is a bunch of crap. First off those two "boys" weren't even boys. This Edward Elric isn't some gorgeous heart-throb. He's actually a bald midget that has a HUGE drinking problem. And do you remember this "Winry" that was Elric's girlfriend? Yeah well, SHE'S A CACTUS. That's right, a cactus that Elric found at a bar when he got really wasted and decided to marry. And this "oh so adorable" Alphonse Elric is a confused sixty year old man who follows Ed around because he thinks he's a potato. Oh yeah, he also wraps himself up in tin foil which he calls "armor" to protect himself from aliens. Clearly, these people aren't sane.

And you remember those army losers? Yeah, they're freaks too. That Riza is actually a "night worker" that goes by Hawkeye. And that faker Roy Mustang used to be rich but he used all of his money to buy a bunch of "miniskirts" and is now a broke hobo who needs a bath.

I'm sure you're wondering about Hughes now, right?

Well Hughes has a multiple personality disorder and one of them is Elicia. He couldn't afford to go to the doctors and is on the streets. Also, that silly Havoc fellow is actually a drug head and is always high and is always stealing people's stuff. And Breda is just an Izaya Orhiha copycat. (We know the real Izaya and he's twice as cool)

Now as for us "bad guys". Envy isn't some transvestite, he's actually a super sexy model. AND I- ..he doesn't wear a stupid skort! They just say he does because I'm too sexy for them to handle. And Gluttony is really a body builder/personal trainer, HE DOESN'T EAT PEOPLE. Well, he ate a dog once but that was a dare. Anyways, Lust is a beautiful and respectable woman who barely shows an inch of skin. Greed is a kind soul and helps feed the homeless and misfortunate. Little Pride is a well behaved student and is at the top of his class. And Sloth is a workaholic who works hard to feed all of us- ..er...them. So as you can see we-..they are VERY good people and it's those stupid Elric's fault that we look bad. But that's why we're here- to tell you the REAL story.

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**AN: So just in case you couldn't tell this is a collaboration between myself and KinBloodRed. **


	2. Chapter One

Chapter One

Laffy: Now it's my turn to shine~!

KinBloodRed: You work it gurl~

Loki: Actually I wrote this chapter too, so I'll be the only one, "working it".

KinBloodRed: Ain't nobody talking to you!

Loki: Fine then! Keep taking credit for all my work...

KinBloodRed: Okay, we will! Enjoy the story~

We don't own FMA.(But we wish we did)

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Now that the introduction is out of the way, let me tell you about the time when I first met Edward and Alphonse Elric.

It was a normal Monday for me as I made my way to the diner across the street from my apartment. I opened the door to head in; only to pause at the sound of voices coming from the alley.

"Al do think we'll find the philosopher's stone this time?"

"Imo-san! You can talk?!"

"Yeah you're right Al, I shouldn't doubt myself. Thanks for the pep talk."

Curious as to whom the voices belonged to, I found myself walking toward the source of the noise. As I slowly made my way to where I thought the voices were coming from, I saw one of the strangest things I've ever seen in my life. A man that appeared to be around sixty or so was covered head to toe in tin foil was standing beside a bald midget that had a beer bottle in his hand. And that wasn't even the worst of it. I walked closer, and I saw that they were both attacking a garbage bin.

"You can't beat me! They don't call me the Fullmetal Alchemist for nothing!" The bald midget screamed as he drunkenly swung at the garbage bin, missing by a few inches. "I see… you have moves, huh? Al transmute me a sword, will ya!?"

"Anything for you Imo-san!" The old man, who I'm guessing is Al, replied. He picked up a stick quickly drew what seemed to be a rabbit in the dirt and dumped a pile of cans on it. "TRANSFORM!" He screamed, as if expecting something to actually happen.

"Al hurry it up! I can't hold him off that much longer!"

"I'm done!" Al threw a hanger to the bald midget. "Kill that communist punk, Imo-san!"

"All right! Here I gooooo!" Imo-san yelled, staggering toward the garbage bin. He threw the hanger at it and then threw up all over it. "I did it!" He said after he finished puking.

Deciding that I had watched enough, I stepped forward out of my hiding place. "Uh, are you guys okay? Are you perhaps lost?" I asked assuming they escaped from a psychiatric facility.

"Lady, this isn't a safe place for you to be." Imo-san responded as he took a sip of his beer.

My hands found there way to my long hair. I was sort of self conscious about it. "I'm not a girl!"

"Imo-san…I think he's one of those homo kids Colonel was telling us about!" Al cut in.

"Hey! I'm not gay either!"

"You might be right Al!" Imo-san continued, ignoring me.

He clasped his hands together, hard enough to break his beer bottle. Blood dripped onto his pants and Imo-san looked up, a smirk evident on his face. "I bet you're wondering how I was able to transmute without a circle!"

Transmute? What the heck was he talking about? "What the heck are you talking about?"

"YOU CAN'T FOOL ME YOU BLASTED HOMO KID! I WON'T LET YOU USE ME!" He screamed and lunged at me with speed I didn't think was possible for someone who's drunk.

You know what? Screw this! This is what happens when I try to be a kind Samaritan!

I turned around and ran away screaming like a little girl.

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Thanks to messykat211 for being our first reviewer!


	3. Chapter Two

Loki: So have you guys been laughing these past two chapters?

KinBloodRed: 'Cause that means the poison that we've been shooting through your eyes is working.

Loki: *laughs evilly* Yes, yes it does.

Laffy: Hey, chill you two...

KinBloodRed&Loki: *laughing evilly*

Laffy: O.o Enjoy the story!

We don't own FMA.(But we wish we did)

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Now, when Envy had told me this, I shrugged it off. I mean, he already gets offended 24/7 when people make fun of his hair, why should this be any different? ...That is until I actually ran into the crazy old coots.

I was walking home after my responsible job when I heard this strange noise, and I smelled something burning. I walked down an alley towards the smell and I saw a hobo throwing trash that he had set on fire at a bald midget. The hobo kept screaming, "I'LL GET YOU ELRIICCC!" And then the bald midget would just dodge and then say something that made no sense at all. Like "Hair pop pickle green, yellow boo bellow cricket!" The hobo would then get even more frustrated and set more trash on fire. I thought this an appropriate time to try to stop their madness before someone got hurt.

"Excuse me boys," I said as I walked towards them. The hobo stopped throwing things at the midget and looked at me. An odd twisted type of smile grew on his lips and he made a weird face that made him look like he was even more insane.

"Hello pretty lady~" he said as he begin to smile even more which just showed that he had no teeth left. I'm used to being flirted with since I'm just so drop dead gorgeous, so I decided to just ignore him. Perhaps the midget was more sane.

"Hello sir, um, are you two alright?" I asked. However the midget was too busy drinking his weight in beer. And that's when I felt the hobo breathing on my neck and making odd noises. "You purtty...you should be my girly friend," he said. Now, normally this would be okay...but he just haaaad to put his filthy, nasty, greasy, smelly hands around me and hug me. So, I kinda lost it and beat him up.

As I was trying to leave the alley some crazy chick that was wearing some revealing clothes held up a gun and pointed it at me. "How dare you beat up my boss?!" she screamed. I was kind of ticked at the moment thanks to hobo, so I just held up my recently manicured hand and scratched her face. And then I got outta there while she was distracted.

How in the world could people be so freakin' crazy?! For once in my life I was actually fearful of what would happen the next time I ran into those freaks... Needless to say I ran all the way home and locked myself in my house for the rest of the day. I was not going to be taking any chances. Little did I know, this would not be the last time I saw those freaks.

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Two weeks later, I had finally got over those freaky hobos. My sexy boyfriend Gluttony coaxed me out of the house, promising a movie night at his place. So on Saturday night I left my house (making sure to avoid that dreadful alley), and at six o'clock sharp I rang the doorbell. Almost immediately, the door opened, and I was ushered into Gluttony's house. At six foot two, my body builder boyfriend towered over my five foot three frame. So when he swept me into his arms and demanded a kiss, I stood on my tip toes and happily obliged.

Two movies and three bags of popcorn later, I was in pure bliss. My encounter with those creepy hobos was the last thing on my mind. Wrapped safely in Gluttony's arms, I initially ignored the light tapping sound I heard coming from down the hall. Finally after ten minutes, I turned my head to the source of the noise, thoroughly annoyed. "Babe what's wrong?" Gluttony question, sensing my annoyance. "Do you hear that noise? I think it's coming from the bathroom." I said, getting up and heading down the hall. Reaching the bathroom door, I hesitated and opened the door.

...I should've went with my gut...

Somehow the midget from before and an old man wrapped in tin foil had broke into Gluttony's house and were currently wreaking havoc in his bathroom.

"AL! WE MADE IT INTO LABORATORY FIVE!" The bald midget screamed, smashing his fist into the mirror.

"Imo-san don't hurt your potatoey hands..." The old man replied as he rubbed ketchup on the midget's arms.

I let out a loud ear piercing scream. As soon as I stopped screaming Gluttony was by my side. "Who are those freaks?!" screamed Gluttony. "They're the weirdos I told you about!" I said while I pulled my phone from my pocket and shouted, "I'll call the police if you don't leave!"

The midget just spouted more nonsense and then punched me into the broken mirror, causing me to get some cuts and scrapes on my head and my beautiful face. Now Gluttony is a reasonable, sweet, polite man, but when the midget did that he kinda...snapped.

Soon he was on the midget and beating him up. I rubbed my head and took the chance to call 911, and they said they would be here as quickly as possible.

"Stop it! I won't let you hurt Ed!" The old man screamed, forming the most coherent sentence anyone has ever heard him say. Which kind of caused everyone to stop and look at him.

"..."

Al started jigging.

"...okay..." Gluttony turned back to Ed, ready to beat him up, but he noticed Ed was no longer in the bathroom. Where in the world did he go?

His question was answered when he noticed Ed run past the bathroom, holding his iPad and car keys. "Al! Let's get out of here!" And with that, Al proceeded to display the most amazing acrobatic skills for someone his age and back flipped out of the window, landing safely on his feet.

"Hey! get back here!" I screamed as I ran to the window, ready to chase after them. But it was too late. They were driving off in Gluttony's car.

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Thanks for the reviews!


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